Author: Dr. Chelsea Powell
“I just need to get over it”
“I shouldn’t feel bad, other people have it worse”
“My feelings are irrational”
“I’m just being dramatic”
“I should be happy”
“I’m just being weak, I need to toughen up”
Sound familiar? Maybe you’ve even had one of these thoughts today? All of these are examples of the things many of us tell ourselves (sometimes daily) that completely invalidate our own emotions. Unfortunately, we live in a society that often drills this kind of messaging into our heads. We’re taught that emotions are bad and we’re supposed to get rid of them right away, otherwise we are “out of control,” undisciplined, irrational, etc. For some, these messages are internalized directly from parents, caregivers, and other loved ones.
This kind of invalidating self-talk can be incredibly damaging. Our emotions exist for a reason and they don’t just go away if we make ourselves feel bad for having them. Emotional invalidation has been identified as a contributing factor in the development and maintenance of a number of mental health problems, including eating disorders. Some folks use disordered eating behaviors to numb emotions, distract from distress, and assert a sense of control. Sometimes, often subconsciously, eating disorders can actually be a means of obtaining both external and internal validation, especially for those who have experienced chronic invalidation.
The Role of Self-Validation in Recovery
The practice of self-validation can serve as a foundation for building healthier coping strategies and fostering recovery. It involves recognizing and accepting one’s own emotions and other internal experiences, without judgement. When we self-validate, we are communicating to ourselves that our emotions make sense and we have a right to feel the way we do. Importantly, self-validation does not mean we are endorsing every behavior or impulsive reaction we may have. It is simply labeling the internal experience as real and meaningful. Once we do that, we are in a much better position to determine which next step could be most effective.
By practicing self-validation, individuals can:
- Reduce internal shame and self-criticism
- Improve emotional regulation
- Strengthen self-compassion
- Enhance resilience during the recovery process
Self-validation helps us to feel empowered to utilize our emotions to better our lives, as opposed to invalidation, which often leaves us feeling stuck and ashamed. Self-validation enables us to meet our emotional experiences with understanding rather than judgment, which is essential in creating lasting change.
Practical Strategies for Building Self-Validation
Below are some strategies for strengthening this skill:
1. Label Emotional Experiences
Research indicates that naming emotions—often referred to as affect labeling—helps reduce emotional arousal and increase emotional clarity. Taking time to accurately identify feelings can reduce distress and provide insight into underlying needs.
2. Acknowledge That Emotions Are Understandable
Rather than judging or dismissing emotions, it is helpful to view them as understandable reactions to life experiences. This perspective creates space for self-compassion and reduces shame.
3. Practice Nonjudgmental Self-Talk
Replacing harsh internal dialogue with supportive, compassionate statements strengthens emotional resilience. Consider, how would I respond to a friend or loved one in this situation.
4. Normalize Emotional Struggles
We all have emotions and we all have trouble dealing with them sometimes. Viewing emotional setbacks or challenges as part of the human experience reduces isolation and fosters perseverance.
5. Reflect Through Writing
Journaling can be a great way to validate and process our emotions. Writing without judgment allows us to recognize and honor our internal experiences.
Final Reflections
Developing self-validation is not an overnight process. For many individuals in recovery from eating disorders, years of self-criticism and emotional avoidance cannot be undone instantly. However, with intentional practice and therapeutic support, self-validation can become a powerful tool for healing.
Acknowledging emotions without judgment provides the emotional foundation necessary to sustain recovery efforts. It allows individuals to move away from the cycle of shame and secrecy that so often accompanies eating disorders, and instead move toward resilience, authenticity, and well-being.
Recovery is not only about changing behaviors; it is also about cultivating a compassionate, accepting relationship with oneself. Through the practice of self-validation, that relationship can be nurtured and strengthened, offering a lasting pathway toward health and wholeness.
References:
- Fairburn, C.G., Cooper, Z., & Shafran, R. (2003). Cognitive behaviour therapy for eating disorders: A “transdiagnostic” theory and treatment. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 41(5), 509-528.
- Goss, K., & Allan, S. (2009). Shame, pride and eating disorders. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 16(4), 303-316.
- Linehan, M. M. (1993). Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder. New York: Guilford Press.
- Lieberman, M. D., et al. (2007). Putting feelings into words: Affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli. Psychological Science, 18(5), 421–428.
- Mountford, V. A., Haase, A. M., & Waller, G. (2007). Is there a measure of the function of eating disorder symptoms? Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 14(4), 329–335.
- Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.
- Pennebaker, J. W., & Chung, C. K. (2011). Expressive writing: Connections to physical and mental health. In H. S. Friedman (Ed.), The Oxford Handbook of Health Psychology.
